Restrained
by Kamisen
Summary: He was content with that more than anything else. If only to see him happy, he could stave off these blooming pains. It was worth it, he assured himself. Spiritshipping


Title: Restrained

Series: Yu-gi-oh Duelist GX

Characters/Pairings: Spiritshipping

Genre: Angst/Romance

Rating: K+

Summary: He was content with that more than anything else. If only to see him happy, he could stave off these blooming pains. It was worth it, he assured himself.

A/N: I apologize for poor quality, probably a really fragmented piece, but the chances that I get off my butt to write something romantic – angst of all things – on Valentines day means I'm pretty obligated to post. Forgive me for bestowing this mess on you guys.

Rain pounded steadily against the dorm roof, the downpour bringing a cacophony of noise. Within the structure warmth and darkness intermingled, a whisper of human occupation stirring the blend. Soft breaths hissed aside the rustling of fabric, the twitching of muscle and the silent spinning of thoughts, unheard.

A sound of frustration broke through the resting silence, the clenching of fists and unfurling of sheets, emotions beginning to stir and twist the atmosphere into something more agitated. Chocolate eyes swimming with disdain flanking the sides of the room, the feel of a grimace foreign to pale lips was hidden in the night.

"_I'm terrible."_

The thought was unspoken, but clear by the bare self-loathing caught in amber orbs. There was a sense of desolation, of loss, as he gazed onward uncertainly.

Confused would never justify this chaos; never justify _anything _he was right now.

Love, might have.

And it was painful to admit such a thing, pulling teeth from the Amazoness Tiger. Though he was not one often to be dishonest with himself – admitting such was a frightening, shaking concept alone. And in this situation –

He would need to realize that regardless of how far he'd fallen, he _just couldn't – _

Pain echoed hollowly in his chest, before releasing a breath of air that he wasn't aware he was holding. It sounded more like a whimper.

_He couldn't have him._

The words burned everything he was like a raging fire. For a moment he reflected on if this was what love was really like, if this was what people bragged about all the time, and longed for so much.

They must've not known how much of a double-bladed sword it really was, in the end. That one moment of near euphoria from seeing that one who you truly cherish, to the next of whiplash from not being able to truly treasure them like your heart demands.

There was no boundary for him though, a thought flourished and glittered amongst his sorrow, there was little reason he could not reveal his true feelings to the other, except –

He was _terrified_ of losing him.

He chastised himself, wondering when he'd become so _afraid _of something so little (_except it wasn't so little anymore, like it was with the occasional butterflies with every shared look and absentminded staring, and now he simply basked in the other's presence whenever he could because he reallydidntknowwhyanymore.)_

The teen refused to risk being torn away and shunned for something he could not control, as in the end he was certain life would be meaningless, to risk not only their friendship but even the pleasure of seeing the other smile –

He was content with that more than anything else. If only to see him happy, he could stave off these blooming pains. It was worth it, he assured himself.

But the _torture _his heart had him endure was breaking his resolve like no other. Dreams plaguing him night and day, sweet promises being held over his head, within his reach and if only to suffer the consequences he could have the thing he desired the most –

He wouldn't do that to Johan. He couldn't burden himself on Johan. _It wasn't right. Wasn't fair._

Judai would wait for him, he'd decided (_when the visions of liquid emerald and a being too divine for his mortal hands became too much to ignore; when simple dreams became something more powerful and he truly realized that he had long ago crossed the line of infatuation) _at a point that he would never force the other into anything (_because if the other teen knew there would be guilt and obligation)_ and he would wait for Johan to come to him if he so pleased.

The chances of such were slim – but he could do nothing but hope, because if he thought otherwise he new something would give and restraint would become even more difficult..

He couldn't bare such a thing.

"Aniki?"

The teen barely restrained himself from jumping, heart pounding from the flare of panic as a mumbled voice shattered the sanctuary the silence had become.

"Shou?" His voice conveyed his surprise, softer than it's predessor.

"What are you doing, Aniki? You should be asleep..." The other sounded half-asleep, exhaustion translating into slurred mumblings.

"Nothing, Shou. Just couldn't sleep, is all. I'll try again."

"..If you say so..." The resigned voice shuffling of blankets beneath him calmed his stuttering heart, and he wondered how out of it he must have been to miss the other leaving the room _and _coming back.

He hoped he didn't start to space out any more than he already was from this. The others were already getting concerned something was wrong, he reminded himself.

Covering himself again in thin blankets as he reclined, a weary sigh escaped his lips. He closed his eyes, and allowed his heart to sow it's fantasies as it pleased.

_'Johan...'_


End file.
